“It’s easier to build a secure attachment with a child than to repair broken adults.” This quote by Fredrick Douglas has really resonated with me.
Most of us probably learned a lot about attachment as we prepared for adoption. We read about skin-to-skin contact, playing together, the importance of shared experiences and eye contact.
Some of us never anticipated that we could struggle to like our child or want to spend time with them. We never imagined they would have behaviors that push us away.
In the last year of my life, I’ve done a deep dive into understanding the vital role attachment plays in our closest relationships. Working through challenges in my own marriage and seeing close friends of mine who have also hit some marriage hurtles in their 40’s, has opened my eyes to the foundational importance of those early bonds.
I’m beginning to look at all aspects of life through the lens of attachment. The nurture or lack thereof that you received in your early years of life set the course for all the important relationships you have later in life.
The good news is whether you have an anxious attachment, avoidant attachment style or are securely attached but have some leniency in one direction or the other, there is work you can do to become more secure. With the help of a trusted counselor or through online resources on attachment, you can make strides toward more fulfilling relationships.
As you grow in this area you will notice your triggers happening less and being less intense. Your personal boundaries will improve as you develop healthy interdependence. You’ll also have a greater capacity to communicate your needs, have more empathy and exercise vulnerability.
As we do our own hard work, our ability to build a secure attachment with our children will grow greatly!!
As we do our own hard work, our ability to build a secure attachment with our children will grow greatly!!